Case,
I've always been a thoughtful person. I'm a thinker. But sometimes -- OK, a lot of the time -- I overthink. I'm too thoughtful for my own good. I'm a worrier, son. Hopefully, you grow up to be a little more even keel than me. More like your mom.
She is in Chicago with you right now. I couldn't get off work, so you two flew there yesterday for your Grandma Pallster's 80th birthday party. As your mom is tired of hearing, what she did by traveling with you for the big event means the world to me.
It reminded me how great your mom is. While I tend to get lost in my own head, she's always thinking of others. Especially you. Especially us.
Related to all of this, I worry a WHOLE LOT about EVERYTHING these days. I have a strong, beautiful wife and a devilishly handsome 19-month-old son. I am unbelievably happy. Of course, I tend to to have a strange relationship with happiness. It scares me. I've never come to grips with the idea that I deserve it. So it's easy for me to get caught up in the responsibility of providing a good life for you and your mom. It's a responsibility I can't fail it. I worry about it every day. The big things, the little things, every thing. But yesterday, as I sat here by myself in our apartment, waiting to hear from your mom upon the two of you landing in Chicago, I realized that I cannot let my fear of what might happen keep me enjoying what is happening.
I have no problem telling you -- and showing you -- each day how happy I am that you are in my life, but it's pretty easy because I know what your reaction will be. A smile, a laugh, a run down the hallway into whatever room is open. You're easy to confide in. It's a pressure-free conversation. :)
But I owe it to your mom to treat most days like I have these past two weeks. I need to tell her and show her more often how much she means to me and my happiness. So what follows is my own weird way of doing that.
Gotta think about the mortgage
and those damn electric bills
Gotta get a set of tires
and buy the dog his heartworm pills
Gotta think about the future
and the toddler's college fund
And don't even get me started,
'cause I ain't started one
Gotta dwell upon something
That's just the way it goes
But there's more to what I'm thinking
even if t rarely shows
There is fear when I am happy,
and I've never been more scared
When I think of what you mean to me,
I get a little weird
I'm wired to worry, prone to obsess
Neurotic by nature, and I never guessed
that life would present me with more than just doubt,
that I'd have a family to worry about
Gotta think about employment
and how tenuous it seems
Gotta figure out a way
to provide for others' dreams
Gotta think about tomorrow
and its challenges and tests
How to pay for car insurance
without wiping out the nest
Gotta dwell upon something
That's just the way it goes
But there's more to what I'm thinking
even if it rarely shows
There is fear when I am happy,
and I've never been more scared
When I think of what you mean to me,
I get a little weird
I'm wired to worry, prone to obsess
Neurotic by nature, and I never guessed
that life would present me with more than just doubt,
that I'd have a family to worry about
Gotta think about the mornings,
a wife and son in bed
Gotta think of what I do have,
not what I don't instead
Gotta think about a woman
with the patience of a saint,
with a courage and a humor
that are not for the faint
Gotta dwell upon something
That's just the way it goes
Guess I'll dwell upon how wonderful
it is that she knows
Love,
Dad
