Don't

Case,

A few words to live by:

* Don't be more concerned with looking the part than you are with doing your part. I mean, it would probably behoove you to dress better than your old man (I'm wearing a respectable shirt today, although I wore a Patrick Kane shersey to work Thursday), but it's much better to be mocked for your fashion sense than your work ethic. The workforce is littered with people who look good doing terrible work. Don't be one of them.

* Don't forget where you came from, but don't be afraid to leave.

* Don't put ketchup on a hot dog. Or much of anything for that matter. Ketchup is for hillbillies. (The exception is your Grandma Pallister's meatloaf. It's so awesome that it makes ketchup work.) On a related note, don't eat pizza with mandarin oranges on it. You will regret it.

* Don't drink scotch. It gives you a weird hangover and will make you pretentious. Also, don't drink beer with fruit in it. I shouldn't have to explain that, no matter how young you may be when you read this. On second thought, don't drink. As your Grandpa Pallister said to me many times in his later years, "I never got into any trouble that wasn't the result of drinking." Wise words.

* Don't listen to music at an acceptable volume. There are two kinds of music — bad and loud.

* Don't take every pitch. The best you'll do with that approach is drawing an occasional walk. The worst you'll do is spend years watching strike three go by. You can't hit a home run if you never swing. Sure, you'll still strike out, possibly often, but at least you'll strike out swinging.

* Don't wear white after Labor Day.

* Don't fold clothes haphazardly. If you're going to do laundry, do it correctly.

* Don't forget to turn off the coffee pot. And the stove. And the oven. While you're at it, just unplug everything before you leave the house.

* Don't take pride in being an idiot. We all have our quirks and eccentricities and many of them make us endearing to those closest to us. You should never be ashamed of those. But some aspects of our personality make us a**holes. Don't be an a**hole just to be an a**hole. For instance, stop throwing trains when you're denied a third cupcake. Pick your spots.

* Don't root for any football team that ever employed Michael Vick, the Packers, the Cubs or Gwyneth Paltrow. Seriously, you can become obsessed with soccer for all I care or immerse yourself in fantasy NASCAR, but for God's sake, have some standards! On a somewhat related note, your mom and I attended RavenCon this past weekend. It was a gathering of, um, eclectic folks who like to dress up as characters from the science fiction realm. I saw a large-breasted Klingon, I learned Bobba Fett drives a Dodge and I snapped a great picture of a half-naked man riding a hobby horse. Initially, I just shook my head and wondered how these people could take themselves seriously when they choose to lose themselves in such an endeavor. But then I realized that we all need an escape. Your mother has books. I have sports. Really, anyone who has ever painted their face to support their favorite team can't mock a guy who wears his stormtrooper suit every once in a while. Find the escape that suits you and enjoy the hell out of it. Don't worry about what other people think.

Love,
Dad